Guam

when you were five

when you were five

you remember meeting him for the first time. well, actually - you were pretty sure he was introduced on the first day of classes, but you didn’t really remember at that time. you were too busy staring longingly at the playground outside that only timothy (your seatmate), buck-toothed betty (the girl in front of you with the big braids), and little bit (the one with the funny name) were the only people whom you had kept in mind. scratch that, you remember remembering him for the first time.

it was because of that special candy from switch…sween…sicherland (your mom called it). you were told to share it, but you didn’t really want to, so you told your classmates that if they gave you something you’ve never had before, you would give it to them. they crowded around you that lunchtime. 

somebody named chanchan tried to give you her robot stickers (but you already had those before), followed by gregory (but you didn’t really want his rocket science notebook), anabelle (you thought you might’ve considered the cherry muffin until she had sneezed all over it), and little bit (who failed miserably by trying to snatch the candy from your hand). 

it was a lost cause for your classmates, really. some of them cried because you had said some mean things. some of them got angry because you weren’t following teacher kim’s rules of sharing. you remember how much you really wanted that candy for yourself. no one ate lunch with you that day.

it was the end of the day and while you were packing your crayons, somebody tapped you on your shoulder. you whirled around, clearly irritated, because not only was there no satisfaction of having the candy all to yourself (you secretly didn’t eat it anymore), but no one ate lunch with you, and the class ignored you the rest of the day. you came face to face with a boy who seemed slightly familiar (but you couldn’t quite pinpoint it), who had a determined look on his face.

you looked at him strangely because he was holding a bunch of leaves. slowly, he had lifted them and placed it in between the distance of the both of you. you couldn’t see his face anymore, but you heard yourself speaking even before you had realized the words had already slipped from your lips. 

‘i’ve already got a hundred leaves at home. i don’t want your leaves.’

he lifted the leaves higher, but kept it in the distance between you two, so you could now see his face. he had pretty green eyes (although your mom told you that boys weren’t pretty, you couldn’t help but disagree for this case), messy dark hair (which you thought resembled a chocolate color), and a dimpled smile (which you were undeniably drawn to). he wasn’t angry, or sad. instead, that dimpled smile stretched into a smug grin.

before you could ask what he found funny, he leaned forward and pressed his lips against yours. 

you were so taken aback that you had frozen in place. you heard your heart beat louder than you have ever heard it before. you remember wanting to push him away, but it was as if somebody had put super glue under your shoes and kept you there. a few more heartbeats later, he broke the kiss.

‘those weren’t leaves,’ he said, no trace of malice in his voice. ‘those were special leaves. my ma calls them mistel…misshel… miffledoes, and when two people stand under a miffledoe, i’m supposed to press this - ’ he pointed to his lips then at yours ‘to your lips.’

you bit your lower lip involuntarily, tasting  the sweet sensation of his kiss lingering. you knew what he had given you. how long was it, you had thought, because you swore that it still felt like his kiss was ghosting above your lips. you see your grandma watching those really boring shows where people are kissing, and you had thought it was yucky and gross (you even covered your eyes whenever it happened).

but having it happen to you was completely different altogether. you weren’t so sure what to do. not especially since the boy (whose name you didn’t know) was just there, smiling at you.

‘so, do i win?’

you blinked.

‘the candy,’ he supplied for your lack of speech thereof. ‘do i win it?’

you nodded dumbly, not sure as to why you found yourself sorely lacking an answer, a retort, some sort of chastise - anything. you reached for the hidden pocket in your bag, letting your bangs cover your face (because you knew he was watching you), and slowly handed him the candy.

the way his stupid eyes lit up made your heart do some kind of flip (you remember that was how your older sister described situations like these, when you were at a loss for words). he quickly took the candy and ran off.

for the umpteenth time that day, you were stumped yet again. and you didn’t even know why! you wanted nothing to do but snarl at that boy (whose name you should really know), because you felt like he had taken something important from you and had just ran away like that.

just before you could go back to fixing your bag, feeling sort of bitter, the boy stopped dead in his tracks, turned around and ran back to you. 

you looked at him questioningly. he ripped open the plastic, broke the candy in half and offered it to you. he smiled that idiotically dimpled smile of his, and you found yourself thinking you may really like that smile (but you kept that to yourself). 

‘thank you.’ you said, trying not to show how much your voice was trembling. without a warning, he leaned in once again and gave you a quick kiss (actually, it was more like a clumsy bumping of two pairs of lips instead of a shared kiss, not that you minded).

he popped the candy into his mouth, bid you a muffled goodbye, and waved his hands as he ran off, back slightly turned so you had a good view of his face. 

you thought that today may not have been such a bad day after all. and that sharing will, like teacher kim said, bring about good things. you didn’t even realize you were grinning from ear-to-ear until buck-toothed becky asked you why you looked so happy.

the next day, you realized that the reason you never see him in class is because you’re always just in the brink of time for class (never late, nor early), and because of your height, you were placed at the back of the classroom, while he’s always there early and was seated in the very front. you still didn’t know his name, and that bothered you. so you asked timothy.

‘tyler.’ the name rolled of your lips quite nicely. 

you went up to him during recess and weren’t sure what to say. you offered a meek ‘tyler’. you mentally wanted to hit yourself because you thought that had sounded so lame. 

instead, he smiled knowingly at you and you returned his smile this time. you were pleasantly surprised when he leaned in, and bravely kissed you again.

from across the classroom, you heard teacher kim shrieking in horror, ‘tyler! boys don’t kiss other boys!’


tbc.

short

an accidental touch
your fingers brushed against
my skin

a hug
so pure and tight
lifted the cloth that hung from the sides
and then
there was a touch as gentle
as the morning breeze

red
was the shape of the color felt inside
cool it wasn’t meant
maybe it was just
in my mindplaying on repeat and repeat and repeat

yet the feel of love lingers it is never lost
just set aside for someone else
no, never to replace
because once loved is always loved

smile
always for me please
dimpled and wide

no longer in love
but lingering on to the idea
of what I had felt before
sometimes I wish I stopped looking at you
but then it reminds me of how I got strong so

no bitter feelings I promise
just truly
unadulterated affection

continue on playing







one more unintended touch

domesticity

the familiarity of you and me
hurts
would it be too much to ask for
recognition

it was not meant to be said
to be said
to be meant
to be

to be read between the lines

for an undercurrent
pidginized slowly against the edges of my soul
this haunting need

your laugh is echoed by the walls
that whisper straight to the left ventricle of my heart
aorta
it pumps life into my body, your occurrence

necessary and frequent
although no longer seeking

this existence of numbness
has no more pain
only happiness

maybe
it was meant to be
in another lifetime

before you could
you would
see it to mean as so much more than this
thirteen

dance

words cannot express what your body can
each step is deliberately felt
(the sun kisses your skin)
each turn is deliberately practiced
(the ocean tides over your smile)

this imaginary love affair
is as spontaneous as the way you move
a dream not forsaken
but a cryptic déjà vu
like a beat that is never really forgotten

the way your fingers close over what’s left of my heart
and pumps it with each beat beat beat
it’s my saving grace

yet at the end of the day
all I really want
is to be close to you
and hear the beating of your heart

and there is no need for fast paced turns
or light movement
just two bodies closely aligned and leaning on
to what’s lacking between them

I don’t care if you’re not the first dance
But just the last

slow dancing
even if we’re out of beat
b
  eat

this is for the man

this is for the man who feels too much
too early
too little
though with a guarded heart
too late

i gaze into his eyes and want to understand more than what he sees
when his pupils are blown
or when the tips of it are brimming with tears
for you, for her, for who seems to have a rightful place
(in his soul)
there's an undercurrent there
like a breath hitching
a chest constricting
a heart breaking

he watches from afar and does not say the words
that longs to be said out loud
to be said out
to be said
to be 

above
and hovers: this is for the man who pines and waits
upon something much greater

i say that it's okay to this man because such a thing it is to love
and give and give and give
until there is nothing left
but more to give

here's to the brave man
that feels
that loves
that gives
that is.